Revision Memo 2

For essay 2, I used exploratory essay format to talk about the controversy that is the current BCS bowl game format in college football. I described the BCS system to the reader, showing its strengths and weaknesses, then began to describe the controversy that has risen from it. I listed ways it could be changed and who has proposed them. Lastly, I added in personal voice and why it is important to me.
The biggest thing I heard from Ms. Sowa and my peers is that I delayed inserting my question until too late in the paper. I don’t really get to my question until page 5. I also spend too much time writing an argument essay instead of an exploratory one. Looking back over my essay, I agree with this. I wasn’t completely sure what an exploratory essay style meant at the time, but now it is clearer to me. Another problem that I had was that I focused on my viewpoints too much, and not the opposing viewpoints. There wasn’t enough “they say, I say” in the paper. I need to ask more questions about the situation and add in how the research and evidence I found made me question my own personal beliefs on the subject.
For my revision, I will be making all the changes that were suggested to me. I am going to bring my question up closer to the beginning of the story so it is in the reader’s mind sooner, as they begin reading my evidence instead of after they have read all of it. I’m also going to add more exploratory into the essay, using more questions and personal voice to accomplish this. Next, I am going to add more counter-arguments and talk about how they complicated my own thoughts on the topic. I think making these changes will substantially improve me essay and make it much easier for the reader to follow.
As far as stylistic and proof-reading changes, I like my sentence structure and organization a lot. I just need to make it more exploratory as a far as style is concerned, as well as adding more of my personal voice. Since I do play college football, I could really play that up in the essay to show why this topic is so important to me.