Revision Memo 1

In Essay 1, I went into great detail describing the last time my friends and I spent time together before we all went off to college. It was our tradition for the last few years to gather in my basement, order pizza, and watch the UFC fights together. The paper covers from the beginning of the night all the way up to the end, highlighting the significance of the event and our friendship. I spent a lot of time focusing on the significance of how this was the last time we were going to be hanging out for a long time and how that moment was almost a setting off point into the rest of our lives.
Overall, the comments I got from Ms. Sowa and my peers were that I spent too much time focusing on “we” instead of “I.” The assignment calls for a personal narrative, but I was looking at it too much through the “we.” I didn’t add in enough of my personal experience such as my personal feelings or memories. People suggested that I add in my feelings and my anxieties and worries about heading off to college. Looking back over my paper, I agree with what people suggested to me. I feel like I did focus on the “we” too much since it was supposed to be a personal narrative.
For my revision, I will rework my essay to make my focus more personal. I will change some of the parts of the story where I focus on “we” and add in more “I.” I vividly remember how I was feeling that night and what worries I had leaving my friends and I will add those in during my revision. These changes will bring the “so what” more clearly to the reader and also make the story more universal. Everyone remembers hanging out with their friends for the last time and how they felt before they headed off to college and by me adding more of my personal thoughts and feelings into the story, I help the reader connect better with my essay.
For the sentence-level and proofreading, I just need to make sure that throughout the paper I am using “I” and not “we.” I also need to make sure that I don’t go from past tense to present tense, a mistake I made before. Other than that, I like my current sentence structure and how it works with my paper.